First, before we delve into anything, I insist that you check this out. Seriously, this is some of the most amazing artwork I've seen in quite a while, and I think it's going to haunt my dreams now.
Next on the agenda: this update requires a disclaimer due to the personal nature of the content. Some of you may decide that this update is designed as a ploy to get sympathy and create ill feelings towards Meghan. I assure you that nothing could be farther from the truth. This post is designed as a way for me to put my feelings down and maybe try to figure out what happens next. Does this post belong in the public eye? I don't see why not. I'm as transparent in real life as possible, and nothing I write here would be anything that I wouldn't tell you if I were sitting down over a pot of tea and chatting. Do I even care about hurting Meghan with what I'm writing? Of course I do, but my understanding of the situation is that she doesn't even read this blog anymore. Once again, this isn't a slight against her, and, in fact, I encourage you to empathise with how hard this whole ordeal must have been on her. With that out of the way, let's get started.
I am extremely sad. What could have been the most beautiful of stories has come to a tragic end. No doubt has been left about the finality of the situation. This is the "horrible" I was refering to in my previous update. It began in innocence. It ended in emails and tears.
I could tell this whole saga, but I don't think I will. Those of you who know it don't need to be told, and for those of you who don't, it would take volumes. Instead, I will focus on the last, saddest, chapter.
November eleventh. Rememberence Day. A day that I will likely remember for years to come. It was on this day that I broke down and, in a fit of insecurity and haste, which I have come to regret with ever fibre of my being, sent the fateful email to Meghan. I told her about how I felt led on and used and I told her that I could never see her again. I sent the email and cried. I cried the whole evening. A few days later I already regretted my decision and realized that I should have waited a couple days longer. I tried writing a weblog entry about what I'd done and how I felt about it, but a couple people suggested that it would be more advisable to take that and just send it to Meghan directly without posting it on the internet. That seemed like a really reasonable thing to do because what I had to say was really between her and me. So I sent off what I thought was a huge apology, telling her that I hoped she could find it in her heart to forgive me my grave indiscression.. I never received any reply to either of those emails.
It was around this time that I had been particularly plagued with depression and movement towards suicide. It was around this time that I started my medication and it was around this time that I started seeing the shrink. As time progressed and my medication started kicking in and I started kind of working through some of these horrible emotions, Meghan's friends were becomming increasingly hostile towards me. As you probably already know, I had made a habit of talking about how I was feeling with respect to the situation on this very weblog. Meghan had apparently decided to continue reading my weblog, and, as such, was having great difficulty dealing with the situation. As I worked through various emotions, my feelings about (and wishes for) our relationship changed a lot. I worked through sorrow, anger, apathy, all the while consumed with a tremendous guilt that has yet to pass. I suppose this was giving her so many "mixed signals" and it hurt her to try to accept the way things were, only to have that change every couple days - if that made any sense.
At any rate, her friends were getting really mad at me and I was actually starting to genuinely fear for my safety because of it. Not only that, but I had to pretty much turn down any social gathering where she would be present, so I didn't really get to go out with anyone, ever. The majority of my female friends had decided that they were going to side with Meghan for all intents and purposes (despite claiming to be basically neutral). I had done a horrible horrible thing to one of their friends, and regardless of how I felt about it, it was she who clearly needed the friends. Apparently.
So I built up my resolve and wrote a couple things down and finally managed to pick up the phone to call her. I wanted so much to get together with her to talk and set things right. I told myself that if we couldn't work things out, at least we could try to end things better. Of course, I had absolutely no intention of trying to end things better. All I wanted was to get back into her life and have her back in mine. I picked up the phone and tried calling her and had no luck with it. I tried back a few times and failed in a variety of ways. Either the answering machine picked up (this isn't the sort of thing you can really leave a message about) or one of her parents picked up and indicated that she was either busy or not home or anything. One could really tell that they were doing their best to keep from yelling at me or giving them a piece of their mind, as Meghan had just recently informed them of her side of the situation.
I tried calling her again the next day, and that didn't work, so I figured I'd give her cell phone a shot. I caught her in the middle of North Hill mall, and gave her my speech in petition of getting together to try to deal with all these things that had gotten so out of hand. We made plans for me to meet her at her house a couple hours later, and that's precisely what I did. I thought that the talk we had was really good and a really useful first step. I knew that we didn't really conclude any issues or anything, but I thought that it was a first step and that we'd be able to get together again in the future to continue working on things. I left her house with my head in the clouds because it looked like things were looking up.
Apparently they weren't. Apparently I just made a tremendous ass of myself, yet again. As I understand it, she took what I had to say as being something to the effect of, "Well, Meghan, I'm sorry you ruined my life!" How horrible I felt. No no no! That wasn't what was supposed to happen! Not in the least! That was my one opportunity to move things towards being alright again. That was my one opportunity and I completely blew it.
So, we didn't talk again for another while. This brings us to Nawaaz's christmas party. I was really worried about attending it because Meghan would be there, but I figured that we could probably at least be civil to each other, and besides, Nawaaz really wanted me at the party, even if it meant telling Meghan she wasn't allowed to come. Well, that just wouldn't do at all, and it would just have antagonized everyone except for Nawaaz, so, what choice did I have. I went to the party and so did Meghan. With the exception of feeling a tremendous longing to be close to her (especially during the movie) but only being able to look at her from across the room, it was actually a really pleasant evening. I thought (again, mistakenly) that we were getting along quite well, and a couple days after the party I emailed her again asking if she'd be interested in maybe seeing that Matrix movie before it left the theatres. We'd planned, once upon a time to see it, and nobody else was willing to go watch it with me, Lindsay having "forgotten" about it when she was out for the Christmas holidays. So I thought that, because things seemed alright at the party, she might be willing to do something with me.
She wasn't, of course. She wrote back saying that she didn't think that she was ready to do a movie with me. It was disheartening. I told myself that I'd give her time and wait for her, no matter what.
I waited as long as I possibly could, and that ended up being a month and a half. I was starting to go crazy and I couldn't think straight at all because I missed her so much that it was consuming me entirely. I'd long for her presence all day long, and then I'd have dreams about her rejecting me. I couldn't take it anymore, so I broke down on this past Sunday and sent her another email. I asked her if she'd be willing to meet me to take tea and chat about life, the universe, and everything. I thought it was fairly reasonable, and I thought that it had been long enough that she'd be willing to at least consider this. I went and got a candle holder and put a tealight in it and did my best to keep it lit (as long as I was around - fire hazard and all, otherwise). It was the best I could do to keep the candle lit for her and hope with all my heart for a miracle to bring her back. Over the past four months I've worked through a lot of stuff and I've broken through a tremendous portion of my depression. There's still lots to go, but I'm so much better at being alive than I was before.
This only adds to the misery of the situation, though. If I would have waited a month before leaving her, I probably never would have. I had become notably less co-dependant, and, especially at the point of writing her that email on Sunday, she was no longer my only reason to live. I could "live" without her, so it would have been far less of a burden to impose on her. It's not easy for anyone to be dating someone who's depressed. It's not really fair to expect them to take on the responsibility for your very life. But that's the sort of weight I was forcing her to carry before I left her. It's only logical that she wouldn't be too awfully comfortable with that, and that certainly explains some of the distance she was putting between us. Combine that with my insecurity about everything, and that's the reason I thought I had to leave her. It tears me to pieces to know that irrational depression was such a big part of why I'm alone now. It tears me to pieces to know that I could have taken care of that earlier. It tears me to pieces to know that I could have started counselling and gotten on medication years ago when Lindsay and Meghan first suggested that I look into it.
This time things would be different, I thought. This time we've both learned so much about ourselves in dealing with all this stuff. This time we'd be better equipped to deal with anything that came up. And we would deal with anything that came up because it's so much more than worth it. All she had to do was be willing to meet with me. We could have started putting the broken pieces back together and be so happy with each other. You could wait an entire lifetime and never find something so beautiful.
So, last night she sent me her answer. I thought that she was taking the better part of a week to think about what she wanted to do. I thought for sure that she'd be willing to meet with me, and my hopes were so high. I'd get my miracle. There's always hope. I'd get my miracle eventually. She could take her time and think about it and she'd certainly realize how wonderful things could be.
I was just walking into my room (after getting a drink or the like) and I saw the little alert in the bottom right corner of my computer to tell me that I'd just received an email from Meghan. I was brimming with anticipation as I clicked the alert and waited for the message to load. I had my fingers crossed and my eyes shut tight. This was it - this was going to be the answer I was looking for.
Thirty seconds later I had fallen to my chair and tears were filling my eyes. I had my answer, alright. She couldn't take it anymore. She did not want to see me in the least. She hated that I wanted to spend time alone with her. She wanted me to leave her the hell alone and not bother her any longer. She couldn't take it anymore, she said. It was time for me to move on already.
So, that's the end. The last three years of my life are over. The chapter has the most tragic ending I could have ever imagined. She doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Ever. I'm not a part of her life, and I never will be. She will forget about me eventually and I'll just be "that horrible guy she dated for a while once upon a time." I may as well be dead to her. I doubt if she'd even care if I were.
Last night I dreamed I was at my funeral. I waited there from beginning to end, hoping that she'd show up to say goodbye. She never did. It breaks my heart to think that this probably isn't very far from reality.
Life is a tragedy. From beginning to end. I could die tomorrow. I could die tonight in my sleep. It wouldn't make a shred of difference.
Goodnight.
status.mood(see above);
status.music(Mystery and Misery, Rainer Maria);
1 comments:
i hte to say this but now you know how i felt.
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